Because I have Crohn’s Disease, I’m on a medication called Remicade which I take intravenously. Every 5-6 weeks I spend an afternoon at the Doctor’s office, sleeping in a reclining chair while medicine drips into me. Last Friday I had an infusion, and as I was waking up from my nap, the PA who administers the infusion suggested I check who was in the chair at the other end of the room. Three big chairs down from me was a former teammate of mine from Team Challenge, the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation’s Half Marathon Training/Fundraising Program. The PA knew that we were friendly through our involvement in the program, and she was amused that we had been in the same room for so long without recognizing each other. (I was asleep, a valid excuse!) I hadn’t seen my teammate since we had returned from our race in Vegas last December, and I was happy to catch up with her. She told me that she had finished graduate school, started a new job, and was preparing for this year’s race.

The next night, Kirios and I went out with my friend/coworker and another coworker happened to walk into the same bar as us, right behind us. Neither of us are friends with him, but we know him fairly well, so we said hello to him and remarked on the coincidence. By the time he finished saying hi back, he was already up the stairs on a different floor from us.

Why is saying hello to an acquaintance so easy with some people and so painfully awkward with others? It happens all of the time – you’re on the metro, at an event, or even at the supermarket and you spot someone you know. In my experience, one of three things generally happens:

1. You say hello. You smile and ask them how they are. You inquire about their family/significant other/mutual friends you also haven’t been in touch with, or you reminisce about the class you took together or the crazy party you saw them at last. Five to ten minutes later you part ways feeling satisfied that you ran into someone who you never see. You might even send the other party an email or Facebook post the next day saying it was nice running into him or her. In extreme cases, you might even make plans to intentionally see this person in the future.
2. You say hello. You smile and ask them how they are, or vice versa. Maybe there’s an awkward hug. (Ever notice how these always happen at the bar, but are way less likely on the train or at the supermarket?!?) And by the time the other party says “I’m good,” you’re both making your way to the next person, place, or conversation. You generally feel nothing. Occasionally, you’re dissatisfied – you think you deserve more than 30 seconds of the other person’s time, or there’s sadness over a relationship that was once meaningful and is now reduced to hi and bye. But chances are this person doesn’t mean a whole lot to you now, even and if they do, you both clearly had other, more attractive reasons for being where you were than catching up with each other.
3. You duck and cover. Maybe you’re at the mall and you can’t bear the thought of anyone seeing you buying Spanx for that upcoming wedding, so you suddenly decide to stop and bury your face in a clearance rack you had no desire to browse. Or you’re at dinner with friends and spot a guy you went on one and only one truly awful date with – you lift your menu up high and slouch lower in your booth. As long as you don’t make eye contact, there’s no obligation to go there…

Most of us ladies have grabbed a friend by the arm and run away from creepers at the bar, but the practice isn’t limited to creepers. I’d like to tell you that I always say hello. After all, a few nice words can go a long way, and what’s the worst that could happen? But I’ll admit it – I’m definitely a flip-flopper on this issue, depending on the person and the situation.

I do frequently say hi. I ran into my old boss at the mall last year; I walked up to him and said hi, I introduced him to Kirios and he introduced his wife to us. We talked for five minutes and then continued our shopping. Monday morning my boss sent an email gushing about how touched he was that we went up to him, and how lovely it was to meet Kirios. I thought all of the fuss in the message was overkill, but was glad to have made his day.

But there are also plenty of times I back off and lay low. I haven’t seen him for at least five years, and we weren’t close then. I probably wouldn’t have recognized her if she didn’t Facebook friend me after that one party. Or my glasses prescription is out of date and I’m only 96% positive that’s the person who I think it is. I’ll say hi if someone is with other people I’m friendly with, or if we make direct eye contact, but if it’s just me and him or her on the train, I’ll keep reading my paper. Go ahead and call me callous or a coward. Pretend you don’t do it too. I know you do. The duck and cover is here to stay.

You know that feeling when you’re on an amazing date with someone and you think you’re living in a movie? You laugh all night. He wins you a stuffed animal at the carnival. She holds your hand and it feels like magic. It starts raining suddenly and you kiss. This is the start of something epic. End scene.

Unfortunately, we’re not always starring in our own rom-coms. More often than not, your “date” may have a different interpretation of the events transpiring than you do. You think she’s your leading lady, she thinks you’re the Shakespearean fool, a supporting actor at best. Recently, a good friend of mine – we’ll call him Matt, has fallen victim to this plotline. And how could you blame him. One night Matt was hanging out with his crush Caroline. They danced and had drinks at a nightclub. Then they went to an arcade for car racing, zombie shooting, and air hockey. It sounded like a great night, and Matt was on cloud nine. What could be better? The next day! Matt and Caroline headed to the beach with a bunch of friends. While there, Matt managed to sneak Caroline away from the group for a bit – they found a private cove and embarked on a little rock climbing adventure. Pink sand. Blue water. Mountains on one side of them, the ocean on the other.  Matt knew – this was the start of something epic…

Or at least he hoped. But what you haven’t heard is the back story – Matt had actually developed feelings for Caroline a while back. Matt eventually gained the courage to tell Caroline how he felt, and she politely told him that she just wanted to be friends. Matt was disappointed, but when Caroline moved away, it made things easier on him. Six months later, Caroline moved back to town, and she was anxious to hang out with her good friend. While she was away, Caroline had started seeing someone else. Matt knew that she was in a relationship, and wanted to just be friends. But when they started hanging out again, that familiar spark reappeared. Finally, after these movie-esque pseudo-dates, Caroline asked Matt to catch a movie with her one night. Matt, aware of his escalating feelings and the fact that Caroline had a boyfriend, decided that this was the perfect opportunity to find out once and for all if Caroline could ever see him as more than a friend. Unbeknownst to Matt, and to his great dismay, Caroline decided to invite several other friends to join them at the movies that night. It was the last straw for Matt – he confronted her about his feelings, and again, Caroline told him she just wanted to be friends. Matt was angry, he felt that Caroline had led him on.

I feel bad for my friend Matt; I can definitely sympathize with his feelings of rejection and disappointment. But I’m not sure if his anger is justified. Caroline told him once that she only viewed him as a friend. He partook in those outings with her knowing that she had a long distance boyfriend – a good indication that her heart was with another. And is it so crazy for two friends to go to a bar? An arcade? Or the beach with additional friends? If Matt didn’t have feelings for her, his perception of those days would have been very different. If it had been me making plans to go to the movies with Matt instead of Caroline, and I had ended up bringing more friends along, I’m confident he would have said “the more the merrier.”

So is Caroline at fault for leading Matt on? Should she have behaved differently – anticipated that he still had feelings for her and reaffirmed the fact that her feelings were purely platonic? Maybe – I wasn’t there, and I don’t know her. Maybe there were giggles, winks and hair twirls that gave Matt the wrong idea. But sometimes bubbly personalities can be interpreted as flirty. Who knows what her story was. But I can say that I’ve been in a similar situation before – and it’s not easy to be on the other side of the fence either.

When I was a freshman in college, a good friend of mine, Zack, had a crush on me. Two weeks before classes let out for the summer, Zack asked if I would go on a date with him. I was a bit blindsided, but I told him truthfully that I just wanted to be friends. When we returned from summer break, I found myself putting on the kiddy gloves around him. No more friendly hello hugs. No more asking for special favors. I liked spending time with him, but I was sensitive to the fact that his feelings were different than mine, and I didn’t want to give him any false hope or encouragement.

The following spring I went abroad, and when I returned campus the following summer, the university was pretty deserted. Most underclassmen didn’t stay on campus, but being out-of-state students, Zack and I both wound up subletting on-campus apartments. With no car to visit my non-metro accessible friends on a regular basis, Zack and I naturally hung out a lot during the summer. We spent a day at the zoo and we went out for Indian food in Adam’s Morgan. I had a lot of fun at these outings; they made my summer much more pleasant.

And then one day in August my roommate and I were preparing to move out of our sublet and into our assigned apartment for the school year. Zack sent me an email wishing me good luck on the move. My roommate commented on how her boyfriend had completely forgotten it was our moving day and we simultaneously realized – that whole summer, all of those times I spent with Zack… I was enjoying the company of a friend, and he, like Matt, was living in a fairy tale. It had been over a year since I had told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him and I had hoped (and naively assumed) that those feelings were behind him. I felt terrible – I don’t think I ever “led him on,” but at the same time, I definitely saw how he could have misinterpreted or reframed the time we spent together. I would have hesitated to invite him out for some of those activities if I knew he would have viewed them that way. But what now? It’s not like I could just call him up, “Hey Zack, I know it’s been a while since we talked about this last. But just to be clear, I’m still not interested in being anything more than your friend. Ever.” Harsh.

In the end, I didn’t say anything to him. And a few weeks later the situation blew up when I started talking to a new guy at a party. Zack took my interest in someone else as an invitation for him to stick by my side the whole night. After that, I pulled away from him knowing that he couldn’t “just be friends.” At least not then. I always feel that I could have done more, said something to him, but I still don’t know what would have helped. So “Zack,” if you ever read this, please know – I tried my best. And one of these days both you and Matt both find lovely leading ladies. And it will be the start of something epic…

I never thought it would be me, but it’s undeniable; I’m part of that couple. You know who I’m talking about, that mushy-gushy couple that drives all single people crazy. Pet names. Inside jokes. Midday check-ins. Public displays of affection. Calling just to say good night. You name it, I’m guilty of it. At least I can safely say that Kirios and I don’t have “our song,” …yet.

I never thought it would be me. It’s not that I’m not the emotional type – I am. But I’ve never been a real girly-girl. Throughout school I was always involved in a lot of activities and clubs, and I wasn’t willing to let anyone get in the way of my independence and the activities that I wanted to partake in. But shortly after I started dating Kirios things started changing. He sends me a mushy-gushy text message and instead of pretending to vomit, I send one right back. He’s thinking of me, and I’m thinking of him – and of course there are butterflies and rainbows and lots of happy fairy dust.

Sometimes it’s excessive, I’ll admit. But it’s nice to be with someone that evokes those mushy-gushy feelings from you. Obviously there are limits when it comes to those couples. Rubbing your significant other’s tummy while a guest at the dinner table, freaking out when your call isn’t returned within 20 minutes, and of course partaking in activities that should be saved for the bedroom – or at least an extremely crowded bar, are all offenses I’ve witnessed. (And hopefully not committed) Clearly some people and some couples are naturally mushier than others. And I’m no relationship expert, but if you never have any mushy-gushy feelings for your significant other, chances are, you aren’t with the right person.

The other day, I was catching up with a good friend – let’s call her Lauren. Lauren told me she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. They had been together for a few months. He was a bit older, and it always seemed to me like he was interested in settling down while she was still in school and figuring out her life. Lauren’s boyfriend would call her every day and she frequently forgot to call him back. She felt bad and knew she should be better at remembering, but she also didn’t think he was justified in getting upset when he didn’t hear back after only four hours. Lauren’s never been great about keeping in touch with people when she’s busy with work and school. I know it’s cliché, but I couldn’t help telling her – when you’re with the right person, you’ll be thinking about them enough that you’ll want to call. You’ll even want to call regardless of whether he called first.

Today I was chatting with another friend of mine about her love life. Over the past year and a half, she’s kept me up to date on her trials and tribulations in the dating world. It’s almost always the same story with her – she meets a guy who seems pretty cool and they start dating. The guys start falling for her, and she’s not really sure how she feels about him. So she builds up a wall and doesn’t let him in emotionally, but keeps dating him to see if she develops stronger feelings. Inevitably, after a couple days, weeks, or even months, she still isn’t feeling it and breaks off the relationship. But today her story was different – she’s finally met Mr. Right. I’m not saying she’s met her soul mate and that they’re going to get married and have lots of happy adorable children – they just started seeing each other and I definitely don’t have a crystal ball. But I do know that this is the first time her eyes lit up while discussing a guy. She told me about the cute text messages he sends her, and how she can’t stop spending time with him. She’s been introducing him to her friends and she even used the word butterflies at one point. So I guess even the most independent of us could be just a few dates with Mr. Right away from being that mushy-gushy couple.